Swipe fatigue: my relationship with online dating
By Wendy Moulton Tate
I’m an online dating success by many people’s standards. I dated, and then married, a man that I met on chemistry.com, an offshoot of Match. Online dating was actually kind of fun back then in the 2010s! Things sure have changed.
Unfortunately, my relationship/marriage didn’t last and I’m right back out there. I should clarify, not “right back”—I took almost a year and a half off any dating to do therapy, chill out, to reflect on my part and to heal. So I felt pretty darn good upon re-entering the online dating arena!
But … that didn’t last very long. I’m suffering from a deep, disillusioning sense of swipe fatigue. Back in the good ole days, you actually had to read profiles and write full sentences if you wanted to make a connection. At least, that’s my recollection. Today it’s a quick swipe and on to the next. But that’s only part of the problem.
Although I have accepted and adopted the swipe mentality, what if you actually swipe yourself into a connection and get to the messaging phase? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve let myself feel a tinge of excitement about a new connection to then exchange a couple of messages and be left in what I’d like to call … “the cricket zone.”
What’s happening?! Is this just my experience?
I can’t help but feel that with the advent of the swiping culture, the prevailing idea is that within a couple of more swipes, there is always someone “hotter”, “sexier”, “funnier”, “somethinger” to be discovered if you just keep swiping. I find this idea deflating. I’m exhausted by all of this swiping followed by the eventual sound of crickets. There might have been a great connection given a little effort! Or possibly even a great love.
My wonderful matchmaker, Julia, gave me a better option. She told me to go out … by myself… to a bar … and get a drink. She explained that guys like to approach women that are on their own. That’s not my typical style, but I’ll share an experience I had at the expense of sounding like a bad mom.
My daughter and I were on her college tour in Arizona. We had traveled many miles and were truly exhausted and needed a little time apart. I happily gave her the hotel room to herself for a couple of hours and found myself quite content at the bar sipping a martini. Alone. When suddenly, a really attractive guy passed through the lobby. Maybe it was the martini, or the fact that I hadn’t felt any chemistry for SO long, but when he looked back at me, I smiled.
That’s all it took was an interested smile! Within a few moments, he was dropping by the table to say hello. I couldn’t believe it! Julia was right! Showing a little interest, and being alone, created the space to meet an adorable guy.
Lessons learned. Take a leap and go to a bar alone! Smile at someone. Often all people are looking for is a “go” signal. Chemistry is real! You don’t have to talk yourself into it.
Sidenote: The cute guy and I ended up having a drink later that evening and he even kissed me on our way back from the bar. It was awesome! I felt some real sparks fly for the first time since I had kissed my ex-husband. And there was a time that I thought I may never feel that way again.
But, so you don’t think I’m a completely horrible mom for kissing a man on her daughter’s college tour trip, he actually asked me to go back to his room! And … of course I said no. I’m a mom first and foremost. But kissing cute men, once my daughter is safely off at college, is definitely in my future!
Wendy is a local Orange County wellness coach, author and Emmy award screenplay winner. To get more information on her wellness coaching, please visit her website @ wendytatewellness.com