Interview with 'Let's Talk About Real Sex'
What has your work as a Matchmaker/Dating and Intimacy Coach taught you about sex? What recurring themes about human nature have you seen?
As a Matchmaker and Coach has and continues to teach me valuable lessons about sex. One of them is something that I continue to tell not only my clients, but everyone around me; it’s that sex or good sex has nothing to do with isn’t quantity. Just because you are striving to have sex 7 days a week with your partner, doesn’t mean that you’re having quality and meaningful sex. You should worry less about how often you do it, and instead take the time to make sure its quality intercourse you’re having especially with a partner. Another thing I’ve learned over the years is that people think that the more partner you’ve had, the more experienced and good at sex that makes you. In fact that’s very wrong. The recurring theme about human nature is we need sex and intimacy in all forms in order to feel closer to our partners. We don’t have sex just to have sex, or because we are bored (most of us, I realize that some do but for the most part we don’t); we need it to stay alive so-to-speak. Not only does it bring us closer mentally, but it calms us down and relaxes us.
What are the most frequent issues around sex that your clients come to you with?
The most frequent issues around sex are lack of it completely, no desire or motivation and finding your mojo after having children. There’s a misconception that women are the ones to lose their desire for sex, when in reality women are incredibly sexual beings, but they sometimes need their libido woken up! Our society and culture still puts a lot of pressure on the women to be ‘all’, the wife/partner/mother/housekeeper/cook, etc, but roles are changing and becoming reversed which is making it easier for women to focus on other things in life, including their sexuality. It’s a bit easier for lesbian and gay couples because their roles aren’t so gender assigned and they actually have a much more enjoyable sex life. Again, not all gay couples do but more than heterosexual ones.
What advice do you have for clients to work through various struggles they have around sex?
It depends on the situation of course, but the biggest advice I give couples that are having sexual issues is that sometimes you need to communicate less, and just do it! I know it’s the complete opposite of what every book and therapist has ever told you, but it’s the truth. The more we focus on over-sharing and communicating, the more we make things even more complicated. Sometimes couples need to just rip each other’s clothes off and do it instead of talking each other’s ears off. You can tell your partner hundreds of times what you like in the bedroom, but they won’t do it right until you actually show them. Literally grab their hand and show them (or face or whatever)…
What is your own philosophy on sex?
My philosophy on sex is pretty simple. Enjoy it as long as you can, because there will come a time when you’re too old to move any limbs or even care about sex! You’ll just be content sitting in a rocking chair next to your partner. So do it now while you can, and make it memorable and good. In fact, I remember walking in on my Grandparents one day having sex. Apparently they decided that it was a good idea to have sex in the middle of the afternoon while all the grandkids were home. Back in Russia, they lived in a very small apartment, no doors and no locks… Even though it was very confusing for me as a child, I’ve never thought of it as a negative experience. Yes I ran out of there as quick as I could, but looking back at it now I’m happy that they enjoyed each other that much that no grand-kids or doors could stop them! It seemed like they were moving at a very slow speed but who cares!
How have your thoughts about sex evolved over time?
I do a lot of reading and studying on the topic of sex and relationships. I never want to stop learning, and by reading other coaches and therapists work has allowed me to have a different outlook on my own sex life and in my business. As a teenager and a young adult, I’ve often had mixed feelings about sex and intimacy. Mainly because we are taught that if you have sex out of wedlock, it is something to be ashamed of or if you’re growing up in a religious household that you’re a sinner and will be punished. My parents have always had a very healthy sex life and a positive outlook about it which helped me understand that sex is a positive thing, especially with the right partner and at the right age. My parents sex life is a whole book in itself, they also didn’t believe in closing doors or wearing much clothing. But it made me happy to know they were still in love and happy! So overtime and as I started to work with singles and couples, my whole ideology about sex and what’s right has evolved and changed. I don’t think that you should let your religion or family rule how, what and when to have sex. I truly believe that there needs to me a ‘separation of church and sex’ because sex is a highly important part of a human’s life.
What are some of the biggest insecurities people have when it comes to sex?
Good question. One of the biggest misconceptions about sex is that you have to be in perfect shape! In fact, I'm here to tell you that people that aren't in the best shape or those that don't have perfect bodies and constantly thriving to maintain those perfect bodies, are actually the ones that are having great sex, maybe even better than those people that have incredibly sculpted bodies. Why? Because they don't worry about those things, they don't have any hangups about their physical appearance and if they do, they don't spend time worrying about it. They allow themselves to let go during sex, and concentrate on the actual aspect of physical intimacy versus what they look like. I always say that people should spend less time in the gym, and more time reading and working on their brain. (That's not to say that being healthy shouldn't be a priority, but obsessing over your size shouldn't be.)
How does mental health play a role in your sexuality for you?
Interesting you ask this. I just read an article that talked about scientists making a correlation between mentally unstable women and better sex. I would like to point out that they should’ve done studies on mentally unstable men as well because there is some truth to it. I’m not sure how ‘scientific” their research was, but from what I’ve seen in my business there’s definitely a level of heightened sexual satisfaction in people that have certain mental disorders, or instability. In a way it makes sense; people that have ‘highs and lows’ throughout their days or weeks would seem to have an amazing sexual experience if it was performed during the ‘high’ period. I’m not an psychiatrist so don’t quote me, but I have seen that to be relatively true. Take for example ‘makeup sex’. You’ve been fighting with each other like cats and dogs, and then end up having incredible sex afterwards, it’s the same idea.
What correlations do you see between loneliness and sex, if any?